HAHA! Talking to myself!

Wow, two posts in one day! How lucky am I? Well, it's just been one of those days today. I feel pretty much like I am talking to the wall. I'm not a person that really has alot of friends. Actually, I know alot of people, but I just haven't really had time for friends in my life. Its very rare that I actually have a friend that I hang out with. Most of my friends are people who's status I comment to on myspace or facebook and that is about the extent of our communication. I guess alot of people would call that sad, but I have been that way my entire life. I grew up an outcast, the white girl in a minority town. I didn't have many friends when I was young. And now as an adult it only comes natural to me to be a seclusionist. I guess I only write that just to say that writing for me is an outlet. I can't tell my husband (my best and one of my only friends) most of the stuff I write on here because I know he needs to keep his head in the game. I freak out on his every whim. If hes not online some days or doesn't really want to talk I totally freak out, but I can't let him know that.

So today we weren't able to talk, actually, because he is sick. Which I totally understand and I want him to rest. But I miss him so much and I miss being able to share my true feelings with him. I hate that I have to be the strong one when I want so desperately to cry on his shoulder and have him tell me everything will be alright. Right now the only little bit of sanity I still have is from exercising nightly, which also helps me hold it all together for my kids.

Well, I find out about nursing school tomorrow. So I better go to sleep so I can hurry up and find out if I made it or not!

Seriously, I am going CRAZY

OMG, As its getting closer to Ron's arrival I am gong completely nuts. I am anxious all the time and the only thing that makes it better is spending money! That is a BAD combination. I am usually not like this, I am the type of person that is usually very frugal and will put as much into savings as I can. I have gone through about $600 dollars of our savings in the last 2 weeks. So when I say that I am going crazy, I actually mean it. The hard part about it is that I have tried talking to Ron about it. I feel like if I could have a decent conversation with him I will feel more at ease, but lately he is so distracted and hard to talk too. I feel like right now our relationship is really fragile. Im sure that him coming will help alot, but I am worrying about what will happen when he leaves. What will happen in 3 months from now when he is not coming home and starts acting distant. There will be no R&R to make things right again. I worry if our strong pre-deployment relationship can really survive this. I feel like I can't even breath I am so scared about that. Part of my anxiety, I know is because I can not hear his voice on the phone, so every time we talk its monotone and dull. Like he doesn't care or something. I mean he says he cares but it just comes across as words that are always written at the end of each conversation we have. If he were really here or if I could hear his voice more often maybe I would know things are really okay. I also feel like its my fault, because the time that we were closest during this deployment he was talking to me about sex and fantasies almost ever second we talked. I got so tired of always hearing about that so I asked him to cut back on the sex talk.. Well, he cut back... he completely stoped talking about that and anything more then weather and how my day has been.

Oh, God, I don't know how this is going to end. But for now I am looking forward to Ron's return. Hopefully, things will be great when he is here and we can worry about what comes later... later.

Bitter Sweet

I am excited because time is drawing close to Ron's R&R. I can not say when it is due to OPSEC, but it is fairly soon. I am a bit worried about it though, because he is coming home for his R&R so soon. I always though he would be home around the 6 month mark. It will be closer to the 3 month mark! So that means he will have 9 months over there after this to look forward to when he returns. With no end in site it worries me about him. Just a few days ago I saw on the news that a guy lost it killed 5 other soldiers. I worry that someone in his group could lose it like that, but I also worry that it will be my husband that will lose it. They (his fellow soldiers, sgt's, and command) treat him like shit. Those lower ranking then him try to boss him around and those with more rank then him, abuse there power. For example last week I sent a care package to my husband and his SGT was hustling him for snacks out of the care package. After my husband obliged and gave him a pack of oreos his SGT asked him "Well, what about everyone else". My husband had to defend himself that I didn't send enough to feed everyone and that the pack of oreo's was enough for 3 people.
Its just stupid shit really. But my husband is already depressed, not eating, and sleeping all day. My husband has dropped in weight to 120 which is pretty low even for him. Nobody seems to notice these things, and he doesn't speak up and just gets stepped on for fear they will make life harder on him. Its like school bullies, except they have your life and career on the line.
I so hate the Army.
But I am looking forward to seeing my husband for that brief couple of weeks. And unfortunately it will be the only time this year that I get to hold him, kiss him, hug him. This year has been a hell of a year and I am wishing my time away.

Migraine on top of being sick!

Today I woke up not feeling so good. My kids have been sick this past week and I guess its my turn. I was the only one in my whole family to not get sick last month, but I guess I wasn't so lucky this time. I am worried about it because I have a whole bunch of test and projects coming due this week and with the swine flu as a common concern through this part of the country I am afraid they will kick me out of class. It would really suck to blow my GPA over a cold.

And to make matters a little worse for today, about an hour ago I started getting a migraine. Its not full scale yet or I wouldn't be able to type. But I'm afraid I will get there eventually. And when this happens I probably wont be able to take care of my kids. For those of you whom have never had a migraine, your head hurts so intensely that you have to be in a dark quiet room, as light and noise both make the headache worse.

Unfortunately, I was not able to get ahold of my mom as she is at church and will be there for the next 3 or so hours. So I just have to tough it out until then. Right now I really which Ron was here to save me!

Tired

Right now I am just overwhelmed with so many things. School is almost over for this semester, but as soon as it ends another even harder semester is just around the corner. I feel like I can see the finish line but that as soon as I get there I have to start over. Ron will be home soon. I cant say exactly when because of OPSEC reasons. But it will be soon and I am looking forward to that. We have planned a little weekend get away for just the two of us. A honey moon suite in Ruidoso New Mexico. It will be nice to have him home for once. The hardest part though is saying good bye again, know it will be 9 plus months before he comes home. I feel like I am getting so distant from him and its only been 2 months. So i cant imagine what our marriage will be like in 9 months from now.
Well I guess I should go, I am half asleep typing this.

The military can go to hell!

I am just so fucking sick of this damned deployment! My son broke 3 drawers in our house today (base housing) and if they expect me to pay for it they have another thing coming! I told them ALL (the commander included) that they couldn't send my husband away, because I was having trouble with my autistic son. So when they come back to their broke ass house then they are responsible. My husband should not be over there right now! And anyone who thinks they understand. You have no Fucking Idea!!!!!! I might offend some by saying that, but you really don't even have an ounce of a clue. I can NOT handle this by myself. The strain that deployments put on a family is unbearable. Add on top of that 3 children five years old and under PLUS special needs and its just not fucking going to work! So what if they kick him out. Oh please like that would even scare me at this point. Kick him out please! For the love of God kick him out! Tell him they have no need for him since we have a child with special needs! Great! Maybe I wont be beat up every day by my 5 year old! Maybe I wont have to worry about him hurting my other children! I need help, what the hell more can I say. And if any of my other children should be hurt by my son during this deployment or Aiden ends up in an institution I hope those involved realize it is on their head eternally. I hope damnation it self rests upon there heads. Better yet I hope they have are blessed with an Autistic child so that they can be though of as bad parents with an unruly child. And have a child with out the ability to understand or express love. And have tantrums that totally tear apart everything including their soul, their marriages and their beautiful homes and precious things! And once they feel like they can't take it anymore, not one more once, take away their spouse for a year and tell them to bad.. you have to do it on your own, we do not care about what goes on in your family or about your child's "supposed" mental disability. Maybe just maybe, at that point they will understand what I am going threw on this fine April evening! Oh and a special fuck you to the FRG Lady in charge of our group. You must be the commanders fuck buddy or something, but you had no business in that meeting between him and I. And if I had it to do over again I would tell you to go to fucking hell the moment you opened your Yappy mouth!

Thanks my vent is over! And I do love my son, I am not implying in anyway that I don't. So those of you who are reading this, and thinking otherwise, without experiencing the difficulties that come with a special needs child... go to hell for judging me!

Almost a month!

This has been the longest month ever! I can't believe I have to go through 11 more of these. I have been so busy with 3 children and school. I have very little time for myself. Me sitting down, like I am right now, having the time to actually write a blog is a rarity. I don't even have the time to talk with my husband the way I would like too. We talk about 8 minutes a day and half that time I am screaming at my kids in the background. By the time he gets home to IM me its about 10pm my time and I don't have the energy or the capacity to talk much via IM. I cant even think straight after about 9pm. My littlest is sick right now too. So I am awake around the clock pretty much and waking up at about 4:30am. I just pretty much feel over stretched, but there is nothing I can do about it and nobody to save me.

To give you an example of my life.. I am stealing a minute to myself. Just long enough to sit here and write a paragraph or two. And to do this I have had to lock myself in the bathroom, while my daughter screams and bangs on the door for me to come out. And for those of you who might read this and think its cruel. You don't know my life in the least. I need this second to stay sane. And sometimes I just cant do it all. All the time.. All by myself.