The military can go to hell!

I am just so fucking sick of this damned deployment! My son broke 3 drawers in our house today (base housing) and if they expect me to pay for it they have another thing coming! I told them ALL (the commander included) that they couldn't send my husband away, because I was having trouble with my autistic son. So when they come back to their broke ass house then they are responsible. My husband should not be over there right now! And anyone who thinks they understand. You have no Fucking Idea!!!!!! I might offend some by saying that, but you really don't even have an ounce of a clue. I can NOT handle this by myself. The strain that deployments put on a family is unbearable. Add on top of that 3 children five years old and under PLUS special needs and its just not fucking going to work! So what if they kick him out. Oh please like that would even scare me at this point. Kick him out please! For the love of God kick him out! Tell him they have no need for him since we have a child with special needs! Great! Maybe I wont be beat up every day by my 5 year old! Maybe I wont have to worry about him hurting my other children! I need help, what the hell more can I say. And if any of my other children should be hurt by my son during this deployment or Aiden ends up in an institution I hope those involved realize it is on their head eternally. I hope damnation it self rests upon there heads. Better yet I hope they have are blessed with an Autistic child so that they can be though of as bad parents with an unruly child. And have a child with out the ability to understand or express love. And have tantrums that totally tear apart everything including their soul, their marriages and their beautiful homes and precious things! And once they feel like they can't take it anymore, not one more once, take away their spouse for a year and tell them to bad.. you have to do it on your own, we do not care about what goes on in your family or about your child's "supposed" mental disability. Maybe just maybe, at that point they will understand what I am going threw on this fine April evening! Oh and a special fuck you to the FRG Lady in charge of our group. You must be the commanders fuck buddy or something, but you had no business in that meeting between him and I. And if I had it to do over again I would tell you to go to fucking hell the moment you opened your Yappy mouth!

Thanks my vent is over! And I do love my son, I am not implying in anyway that I don't. So those of you who are reading this, and thinking otherwise, without experiencing the difficulties that come with a special needs child... go to hell for judging me!

A little Better Today

So thanks to all those from Babycenter that found there way over here. And also those who have taken the time to not only read this but write me back.

Today has been a better day. I tried to keep everything simple and upbeat today. When he called me for 15 mins today I told him no talking about bills on these short phone calls. They are way to short for "technical business" like that. I just stuck to how is day was and that I missed him alot and how the kids were doing. He seemed much more positive to talk to me when I keep it short and sweet like that. He told me in an email earlier that he has become "hard" inside. That he has to in order to make it through the deployment and that even when he tries to take that off for when we talk. He can't. So I am just giving him sometime and trying to be up beat and not tell him about the stressful stuff at home. I just hope that when I see him again, he will be able to shed that and will be the fun, loving man that I married.

Oh well, thats so long from now! I cant even be thinking about when he comes home. Exercising has been keeping me busy too. I actually look forward to it and I am eating good. Its at least something positive that might come out of this mess.

My son Aiden, is 5 years old and is Autistic. Well, today he saw Ron on the webcam and it didn't hit him until today that Ron was gone. It was kind of sad to see that actualization hit him. The reset of the day he asked me where Ron is (his step dad). I told him on the other side of the earth. He is learning planets at school so I thought he would understand it better that way. But no, he thinks Ron is inside the earth LOL.

And for those of you wondering if Ron has read this.. or knows about this blog. NO he does not. I might share it at some point in time. But this is more for me to VENT. And sometimes I need to get stuff about him off my chest that I don't want to necessarily tell him at the moment, so I wont be sharing this with him until father down the road when we can sit back and laugh at all this.

A Deep Breath

This week has been a roller coaster of emotions! Very painful and confusing. I read some things online though that at first upset me but I think will actually help. I read that what I am going threw is very normal. That things for the first month will be crazy for me emotionally. I also realized that Ron and I spent so much of our energy pre-deployment on him NOT leaving that we did not prepare ourselves emotionally at all for this. So the emotional things he should have gone threw prior to leaving he probably is going threw now. And add that two the roller coaster that I am going threw and neither of us is stable right now.

The scary thing is that it says if you don't get this under control.. either partner, but especially the spouse left behind can actually lose it mentally. Many wives try to commit suicide while their spouse is away. Also I read that it is very bad to fight because it make both parties feel insecure about their relationship and things can escalate on that. Basically, it like a self actualization. Were you concentrate so much on what bad could happen, that you actually make it happen.

It is going to be so hard for me to change my tune but I better do it now and FAST!