HAHA! Talking to myself!

Wow, two posts in one day! How lucky am I? Well, it's just been one of those days today. I feel pretty much like I am talking to the wall. I'm not a person that really has alot of friends. Actually, I know alot of people, but I just haven't really had time for friends in my life. Its very rare that I actually have a friend that I hang out with. Most of my friends are people who's status I comment to on myspace or facebook and that is about the extent of our communication. I guess alot of people would call that sad, but I have been that way my entire life. I grew up an outcast, the white girl in a minority town. I didn't have many friends when I was young. And now as an adult it only comes natural to me to be a seclusionist. I guess I only write that just to say that writing for me is an outlet. I can't tell my husband (my best and one of my only friends) most of the stuff I write on here because I know he needs to keep his head in the game. I freak out on his every whim. If hes not online some days or doesn't really want to talk I totally freak out, but I can't let him know that.

So today we weren't able to talk, actually, because he is sick. Which I totally understand and I want him to rest. But I miss him so much and I miss being able to share my true feelings with him. I hate that I have to be the strong one when I want so desperately to cry on his shoulder and have him tell me everything will be alright. Right now the only little bit of sanity I still have is from exercising nightly, which also helps me hold it all together for my kids.

Well, I find out about nursing school tomorrow. So I better go to sleep so I can hurry up and find out if I made it or not!

Seriously, I am going CRAZY

OMG, As its getting closer to Ron's arrival I am gong completely nuts. I am anxious all the time and the only thing that makes it better is spending money! That is a BAD combination. I am usually not like this, I am the type of person that is usually very frugal and will put as much into savings as I can. I have gone through about $600 dollars of our savings in the last 2 weeks. So when I say that I am going crazy, I actually mean it. The hard part about it is that I have tried talking to Ron about it. I feel like if I could have a decent conversation with him I will feel more at ease, but lately he is so distracted and hard to talk too. I feel like right now our relationship is really fragile. Im sure that him coming will help alot, but I am worrying about what will happen when he leaves. What will happen in 3 months from now when he is not coming home and starts acting distant. There will be no R&R to make things right again. I worry if our strong pre-deployment relationship can really survive this. I feel like I can't even breath I am so scared about that. Part of my anxiety, I know is because I can not hear his voice on the phone, so every time we talk its monotone and dull. Like he doesn't care or something. I mean he says he cares but it just comes across as words that are always written at the end of each conversation we have. If he were really here or if I could hear his voice more often maybe I would know things are really okay. I also feel like its my fault, because the time that we were closest during this deployment he was talking to me about sex and fantasies almost ever second we talked. I got so tired of always hearing about that so I asked him to cut back on the sex talk.. Well, he cut back... he completely stoped talking about that and anything more then weather and how my day has been.

Oh, God, I don't know how this is going to end. But for now I am looking forward to Ron's return. Hopefully, things will be great when he is here and we can worry about what comes later... later.

Bitter Sweet

I am excited because time is drawing close to Ron's R&R. I can not say when it is due to OPSEC, but it is fairly soon. I am a bit worried about it though, because he is coming home for his R&R so soon. I always though he would be home around the 6 month mark. It will be closer to the 3 month mark! So that means he will have 9 months over there after this to look forward to when he returns. With no end in site it worries me about him. Just a few days ago I saw on the news that a guy lost it killed 5 other soldiers. I worry that someone in his group could lose it like that, but I also worry that it will be my husband that will lose it. They (his fellow soldiers, sgt's, and command) treat him like shit. Those lower ranking then him try to boss him around and those with more rank then him, abuse there power. For example last week I sent a care package to my husband and his SGT was hustling him for snacks out of the care package. After my husband obliged and gave him a pack of oreos his SGT asked him "Well, what about everyone else". My husband had to defend himself that I didn't send enough to feed everyone and that the pack of oreo's was enough for 3 people.
Its just stupid shit really. But my husband is already depressed, not eating, and sleeping all day. My husband has dropped in weight to 120 which is pretty low even for him. Nobody seems to notice these things, and he doesn't speak up and just gets stepped on for fear they will make life harder on him. Its like school bullies, except they have your life and career on the line.
I so hate the Army.
But I am looking forward to seeing my husband for that brief couple of weeks. And unfortunately it will be the only time this year that I get to hold him, kiss him, hug him. This year has been a hell of a year and I am wishing my time away.

Migraine on top of being sick!

Today I woke up not feeling so good. My kids have been sick this past week and I guess its my turn. I was the only one in my whole family to not get sick last month, but I guess I wasn't so lucky this time. I am worried about it because I have a whole bunch of test and projects coming due this week and with the swine flu as a common concern through this part of the country I am afraid they will kick me out of class. It would really suck to blow my GPA over a cold.

And to make matters a little worse for today, about an hour ago I started getting a migraine. Its not full scale yet or I wouldn't be able to type. But I'm afraid I will get there eventually. And when this happens I probably wont be able to take care of my kids. For those of you whom have never had a migraine, your head hurts so intensely that you have to be in a dark quiet room, as light and noise both make the headache worse.

Unfortunately, I was not able to get ahold of my mom as she is at church and will be there for the next 3 or so hours. So I just have to tough it out until then. Right now I really which Ron was here to save me!

Tired

Right now I am just overwhelmed with so many things. School is almost over for this semester, but as soon as it ends another even harder semester is just around the corner. I feel like I can see the finish line but that as soon as I get there I have to start over. Ron will be home soon. I cant say exactly when because of OPSEC reasons. But it will be soon and I am looking forward to that. We have planned a little weekend get away for just the two of us. A honey moon suite in Ruidoso New Mexico. It will be nice to have him home for once. The hardest part though is saying good bye again, know it will be 9 plus months before he comes home. I feel like I am getting so distant from him and its only been 2 months. So i cant imagine what our marriage will be like in 9 months from now.
Well I guess I should go, I am half asleep typing this.

The military can go to hell!

I am just so fucking sick of this damned deployment! My son broke 3 drawers in our house today (base housing) and if they expect me to pay for it they have another thing coming! I told them ALL (the commander included) that they couldn't send my husband away, because I was having trouble with my autistic son. So when they come back to their broke ass house then they are responsible. My husband should not be over there right now! And anyone who thinks they understand. You have no Fucking Idea!!!!!! I might offend some by saying that, but you really don't even have an ounce of a clue. I can NOT handle this by myself. The strain that deployments put on a family is unbearable. Add on top of that 3 children five years old and under PLUS special needs and its just not fucking going to work! So what if they kick him out. Oh please like that would even scare me at this point. Kick him out please! For the love of God kick him out! Tell him they have no need for him since we have a child with special needs! Great! Maybe I wont be beat up every day by my 5 year old! Maybe I wont have to worry about him hurting my other children! I need help, what the hell more can I say. And if any of my other children should be hurt by my son during this deployment or Aiden ends up in an institution I hope those involved realize it is on their head eternally. I hope damnation it self rests upon there heads. Better yet I hope they have are blessed with an Autistic child so that they can be though of as bad parents with an unruly child. And have a child with out the ability to understand or express love. And have tantrums that totally tear apart everything including their soul, their marriages and their beautiful homes and precious things! And once they feel like they can't take it anymore, not one more once, take away their spouse for a year and tell them to bad.. you have to do it on your own, we do not care about what goes on in your family or about your child's "supposed" mental disability. Maybe just maybe, at that point they will understand what I am going threw on this fine April evening! Oh and a special fuck you to the FRG Lady in charge of our group. You must be the commanders fuck buddy or something, but you had no business in that meeting between him and I. And if I had it to do over again I would tell you to go to fucking hell the moment you opened your Yappy mouth!

Thanks my vent is over! And I do love my son, I am not implying in anyway that I don't. So those of you who are reading this, and thinking otherwise, without experiencing the difficulties that come with a special needs child... go to hell for judging me!

Almost a month!

This has been the longest month ever! I can't believe I have to go through 11 more of these. I have been so busy with 3 children and school. I have very little time for myself. Me sitting down, like I am right now, having the time to actually write a blog is a rarity. I don't even have the time to talk with my husband the way I would like too. We talk about 8 minutes a day and half that time I am screaming at my kids in the background. By the time he gets home to IM me its about 10pm my time and I don't have the energy or the capacity to talk much via IM. I cant even think straight after about 9pm. My littlest is sick right now too. So I am awake around the clock pretty much and waking up at about 4:30am. I just pretty much feel over stretched, but there is nothing I can do about it and nobody to save me.

To give you an example of my life.. I am stealing a minute to myself. Just long enough to sit here and write a paragraph or two. And to do this I have had to lock myself in the bathroom, while my daughter screams and bangs on the door for me to come out. And for those of you who might read this and think its cruel. You don't know my life in the least. I need this second to stay sane. And sometimes I just cant do it all. All the time.. All by myself.

Very Busy!

Well, school started back this week. I am busier then ever. I hardly even have the time to talk to Ron which makes me kinda sad. I am trying to get into a nursing program and to do that I had to take a hard course load this semester. Right now is crunch time! Lab practicals, Tests, Projects all happening in the next couple of weeks. I am drowning in homework and will be cutting this blog short to run off and do it.

Ron has really come around lately. He talks to me alot and is back to his old self it seems, which is good. Someone was telling me to keep our intimacy alive to send him an email about something erotic you would want him to do when he comes home. LOL Well, that did it for sure. Brought him right back around. That's about the only thing he has on his mind right now though. But I am glad that he is at least looking forward to talking to me and trying his best to keep in touch.

Well off to go do homework until about midnight.

A little Better Today

So thanks to all those from Babycenter that found there way over here. And also those who have taken the time to not only read this but write me back.

Today has been a better day. I tried to keep everything simple and upbeat today. When he called me for 15 mins today I told him no talking about bills on these short phone calls. They are way to short for "technical business" like that. I just stuck to how is day was and that I missed him alot and how the kids were doing. He seemed much more positive to talk to me when I keep it short and sweet like that. He told me in an email earlier that he has become "hard" inside. That he has to in order to make it through the deployment and that even when he tries to take that off for when we talk. He can't. So I am just giving him sometime and trying to be up beat and not tell him about the stressful stuff at home. I just hope that when I see him again, he will be able to shed that and will be the fun, loving man that I married.

Oh well, thats so long from now! I cant even be thinking about when he comes home. Exercising has been keeping me busy too. I actually look forward to it and I am eating good. Its at least something positive that might come out of this mess.

My son Aiden, is 5 years old and is Autistic. Well, today he saw Ron on the webcam and it didn't hit him until today that Ron was gone. It was kind of sad to see that actualization hit him. The reset of the day he asked me where Ron is (his step dad). I told him on the other side of the earth. He is learning planets at school so I thought he would understand it better that way. But no, he thinks Ron is inside the earth LOL.

And for those of you wondering if Ron has read this.. or knows about this blog. NO he does not. I might share it at some point in time. But this is more for me to VENT. And sometimes I need to get stuff about him off my chest that I don't want to necessarily tell him at the moment, so I wont be sharing this with him until father down the road when we can sit back and laugh at all this.

A Deep Breath

This week has been a roller coaster of emotions! Very painful and confusing. I read some things online though that at first upset me but I think will actually help. I read that what I am going threw is very normal. That things for the first month will be crazy for me emotionally. I also realized that Ron and I spent so much of our energy pre-deployment on him NOT leaving that we did not prepare ourselves emotionally at all for this. So the emotional things he should have gone threw prior to leaving he probably is going threw now. And add that two the roller coaster that I am going threw and neither of us is stable right now.

The scary thing is that it says if you don't get this under control.. either partner, but especially the spouse left behind can actually lose it mentally. Many wives try to commit suicide while their spouse is away. Also I read that it is very bad to fight because it make both parties feel insecure about their relationship and things can escalate on that. Basically, it like a self actualization. Were you concentrate so much on what bad could happen, that you actually make it happen.

It is going to be so hard for me to change my tune but I better do it now and FAST!

Not online again today

After last nights fight, I thought for sure Ron would make it online today. But no such luck. I didn't get a phone call from him last night either (which I can probably understand since it is from his work phone). I'm not sure why he is not one today. I am guessing he is sleeping. I know that a soldier died over there yesterday or today (I'm not sure because of the time difference). I'm sure its not him right, because they would have come over here and notified me. Or at least that's what happens in the movies.

Well I defiantly feel alone and forgotten today. I hope to hear from him soon. I'm not sure what to do. Everyone says I need to be more supportive and that he is just really busy. Whatever, I don't know and feel like giving up at this point. I guess I just have to grow hard, like all the other women who have survived multiple deployments. It was very odd to see a whole auditorium of women who's spouse were about ready to deploy and not see any anguish or tears in their face. I guess I understand why now. You grow bitter and cold after having to do everything by yourself and also be forgotten. I can understand now why that woman left her husband at the airport following a 7 month deployment. I never in a thousand years thought I would be able to understand that. But as the minutes and hours tick on with out a word from my husband, i realize I am not that important to him. And if its not that God help me figure out the real reason so that our marriage is not completely destroyed by this deployment.

Our first big fight while deployed!

This morning Ron didn't get online again. Well, right away anyway. I had waited for the past 2 days online for Ron to get on. His computer was broken, so I give him that. But yesterday he had bought a new one and had some excuse as to why he couldn't be online. So today I am online again at 8am.. which is 5pm his time. And is the time that HE told ME to be online at. So I am there waiting again for 3 day in a row and he doesn't get online at 8. So after about 45 minutes I flipped and offline messaged him saying that if he cant make time for me then I'm not about to make time for him. Well, he does eventually get on at 9. So technically he is only an hour late. But I was still upset and he didn't understand why I was so upset over just on hour. But for me it was more then that. For me it was that he hadn't found a way to make time for me the last 2 days and then again today I was not a priority in his life. He told me that he didn't want to deal with my bullshit anymore and that he was starting not to like something about me. And for a minute I thought I was losing my best friend right that minute. I honestly thought that after just two weeks of deployment he was going to call off our whole marriage.

But then he told me that it he hasn't been sleeping much because he works the graveyard shift and then after that when he should be going to bed, his friends need battle buddies to go to the PX with. So he is only getting about 2 hours of sleep before he has to be online to talk to me.

After we kinda said sorry to each other. Then I just told him that his problem is with his friends, not with me. And that I think it is only fair that he makes time to at least talk to me one hour a day.

We will see what comes of this. It is my biggest fear that this deployment completely destroys our marriage. It only can go two ways. It will either kill your relationship or make it stronger. I am hoping ours is the second one but I guess only time will tell.

I think deployment is hardest on the spouse left behind.

This is going to be a little bit of a rant. So be warned. And before I start I am in no way belittling what our soldiers do over seas, especially those one the front lines. I am sure that they have it way harder then I will ever know. However, in the case of my husband and many other soldiers like him, its seems almost like a vacation. They are free from the normal everyday responsibilities such as taking care of screaming kids and work their 8 hour shift and then that's it for the rest of the day. Other then battling boredom, life for them seems to me to be pretty simplistic. And as I have said before, I would much rather my husband be shopping the the PX or playing all day long on the computer then actually in harms way. That's not really what I have a problem with.

My problem is that it must be so much fun or something that he doesn't seem to miss me or the family much. Maybe I am misinterpreting whats really going on. But I get to talk to him 20 minutes each day usually and he doesn't have much to say that is meaningful. Its mostly about bills or whatever. I just don't get that feeling like he misses being with me. I keep wanting to hear him say something loving or that he misses me but it doesn't happen. Maybe its just because he has buddies around. I'm not sure. Also his computer has been down for 2 days so I know that's part of why I haven't been hearing from him much. But at the same time when he was in Kuwait and he didn't have the Internet he was at the USO every chance he got to stand in line to call me or use the computer to talk. I know its probably a pain the butt to go over there and spend your day doing that, however, I should would appreciate it. I am still in the mourning stage. I haven't moved on yet. Maybe he has moved on already, maybe not, I don't know. But I definitely feel that I miss him more then he misses me.

At least he is safe

So I just got one of Ron's short phone calls, where we try to say everything we can in like 20 minutes or less. He is calling me from a work phone, I don't really know if its allowed but he says its okay as long as its quick. Anyway, he said that he didn't get online today because his computer crashed. So at least he didn't forget me and at least he is safe, but its going to be like 1000 dollars to get a new computer.

So far this deployment has cost us ALOT of money. I must admit, when our income taxes came in I went a little nuts spending. But I spend a majority of the money on jewelry investments that I have just turned around and resold doubling the money I spent. So after paypal, eBay, and shipping fees we actually will profit about 400 dollars. Well, all that will be going straight into a new computer. I want him to have a way to talk to me so its a must need item! We also recently had bought him a 500 dollar satellite phone that is of basically no use over there right now. And not to mention all the stuff he needed for his mobility bag and the two sets of adapters etc that he needed. So After this computer I wouldn't be surprised if we spend over 2500 on this deployment so far... I thought we were going to be able to save some money with him being gone. I mean that was one of the only good things I could get out of this whole year long ordeal. But at a rate like this its highly doubtful I will be able to save any money.

Well, anyway, we will do what we have to do and I will continue to try to save. Its just aggravating sometimes, because if its not one thing its another. I was really hoping the money I made off the jewelry sale was going to go partly into savings and possibly partly into buying more jewelry so that I could flip it again.

On to a lighter note... literally. I exercised for the first time in over a year. I had bought 3 workout DVDs from the Biggest Loser collection. It was fun and only 20 minutes. I did the beginning level with no hand weights (like your suppose to have) and I was breaking a sweat and falling over doing the lounges. I have a LOT of work to do to get back in shape. My 3 year old daughter was doing the workout with me and she was doing better then me. I'm excited though to lose some weight. I hope I will be able to stick to it long enough to see results in time for Ron's R&R.

Today is a hard day...

Last night, Ron told me he would be online to chat IM from 8am til noon my time. He told me to make sure I am online and that he thinks he got his webcam working. But 8am came and went. It is now 2:45pm and he is working his shift now. I didn't hear a thing from him, no emails or anything. It wouldn't be so bad if he hadn't told me to be on at a specific time. But he did so I sat here all day waiting. I hope that he is okay and that his internet is just out or something. He probably got busy and forgot, I don't know. Hopefully, he will call me from work if he can. Its hard not knowing whats going on, and I dont want to over react but I can not help it!

Just another day

So I found a couple girls online that have gone through a recent past deployment with their spouses. I asked them how did they keep their marriage strong etc during the deployment. One of the girls responded to keep faith in your spouse and communicate a lot and send pictures. But she especially mentioned to not always complain about your loved one not being with you. She said it shouldn't be your sole topic of conversation every time you talk. Well, I guess I am just new to all this, but it didn't even occur to me that he wouldn't want to hear me whine over and over and over again about how he is not home with me. It sounds silly when I put it that way, but honestly that is all I do talk about, mostly I guess, because that is how I feel. So today, in my email to him, I tried to sound more up beat and happy. I guess I will save my whining for here. LOL sorry to whom ever ends up reading this. I don't want to be fake with him either but I know it can be a downer to talk to someone that is always depressed.

Another thing I really really want to do before he come home from his R&R is loss about 15 to 20 pounds. And then loss the rest before he comes home for good. If ever in my life I had a reason to loss weight it is now. If I cant do it now, for him, and because I want too... Then I will probably never be able to do it. I just have to get started and figure out when I can exercise. For those of you who do not know me.. I have 3 kids and go to school. So I have basically no time to myself. But I will have to figure out something. I just think being productive will help the time fly a little faster. I know that I get really excited when I lose weight and feel good. I am also going to allow myself to go on a small shopping spree if I loose the weight just prior to him coming home, so that I look very good for him when he is here.

Well those are all my tips for day. I should probably go to sleep the morning will be here very soon. Good night.

For all those keeping it together while a love one is deployed.

This blog is for all those military spouses that are holding it all together while there loved one is deployed. I feel like most military organizations and especially the Army don't really give a crap about what happens to the family of the deployed soldier. ( And the Army claims their values are Family first!! Like hell.. when everyone knows their real feelings are "if we wanted you to have a family we would have issued you one") So I make this blog for us. Maybe life won't suck so bad if I know I am not alone. Misery love company... right!

I feel like we, the military spouses, have a huge responsibility and are holding "real life" together by ourselves for a year or longer while our spouses are over there serving our country. I never hear anyone say "Wow, look at that woman (or man) serving her country, by giving everything she has to her family so that her husband can deploy" Instead I hear... "It's Life, It's your husband job, He signed on the dotted line". Well you know, I didn't sign on the dotted line to do this alone, by myself for a year! Its not my fault the man I feel in love with is in the army. What was I suppose to do... Say "I'm sorry.. I can't fall in love with you because your a soldier." Its also not his fault or mine, that his social-economic status was so poor growing up that his only option in life was to join the military. I know most countries for century's have fortified their nation with those that are young and poor. So yes, husband whom was living in a roach infested apartment, not able to pay rent because he could only get work part time at a grocery store, joined the army. Who would blame him, and most anybody in that situation would do the same.

So now he is off in Iraq like a good soldier, doing his country proud, while his wife takes care of 3 very young children, one of which whom has autism, and go is going to school and doing all the other things that need to be done so that when he come home in a year everything is in order just like when he left.

And should our spouse become wounded in this time of war (or whatever you want to call it), We, the spouses will be the ones to take care of them many times for the rest of their lives. We will be the ones standing beside our loved ones.. even when the military tosses them off like a used wore out condom. And what if they should fall, then we will forever be alone and will have to explain to our children why Daddy isn't going to be coming home after all.

But no... Its our job and we are unimportant. "Because if the military wanted you to have a family we would have issued you one..." The words of an old NCOIC I had while serving in the military. Yes I have been on both sides of this fence. I know what its like to be the lackey serving our country. Not to belittle our soldiers... but at the same time they aren't treated very good and have no say in basically anything in their lives. Maybe this statement is untrue for those who have been in long enough and have a permanent brown spot tattooed to the tip of their nose. Then your right, maybe those people can do as they wish when they wish. But for most this is not the case.

Well anyway, I hope that this blog can help others in my situation. You can vent, share stories whatever you want. Keep it nice though.. I don't like fighting... I have enough of that with 3 kids running around. And if nobody should find this blog, that is fine too.. I will just vent to my self this whole year.. I'm sure it will be good therapy too.